Emails have been around since the 1990’s. Clearly this was not enough time for humanity to adapt to this new tool. So, I have decided to collect the advice on Email Etiquette that some of my friends have apparently taken to heart:
The Cretin's Guilde to Email Etiquette
1. Keep the subject line vague: let the readers enjoy the surprise of finding out what you are writing to them about somewhere mid-mail. An excited “URGENT” or "Re:!!!" is sure to jolt them out of their workflow.
2. In long email chains, remember: the subject line is sacred and must not be touched. Everybody enjoys seeing the numbers of “re:” expand across their screen. The actual subject has long lost its relevance anyway.
3. Don’t start with a request for action. Give the reader the joy of discovering along the way what you want from them. Or ask for comment. That way he can return equally long stream-of-consciousness half-baked ideas, that would allow you to then add even more of your own. How the days go by!
4. Always pack in as many different issues as possible in one email. That way all your woes can be addressed at once. This makes sense, as the office, if not the world, revolves around you. And who doesn’t like to scroll through longwinded prose at the bottom of their Inbox, to make sure they haven't missed an issue.
5. Only a long email is a good email. Avoid paragraphs, numbering or any other formal structure. The email has freed you from the shackles of A4 paper. Now use it! Give readers insight into your thought process as it happens, and to the extent that it does. Sorting thoughts, feelings and digressions is the task of the reader.
6. But life is too short for salutations or friendly sign-offs. There is no “me”in "kindness", and basic courtesy is for the lowly and weak. Let’s leave personal relationships and human connection for the mortals.
7. Insults and complaints give emails a personal note and extra spice. Your schoolyard talent of clever invectives and scathing remarks about someone can shine again! And now your readers can in turn forward your wit and bring a smile to even more people’s faces who also want to smirk at the expense of that person, including, perhaps, that person themselves. Or put at least a grin on the face of their legal counsel.
8. Managing private affairs via business emails keeps them out of view from your partner at home. And gives the IT department some much needed entertainment. Always a hoot to go out with the lads for a few pints after works! Who would have thought…
9. We know emails in CC and “fyi” are the mark of the courageous person of action, so copy as many people as possible into your emails. Who doesn’t like to get something from you? Perhaps this will relieve their idle boredom. And it is courteous to inform the people well ahead of time., who you will be blaming for not having reacted to he email they were copied in on.
10. Everybody loves a good joke. Share them liberally, in particular weird links and dodgy attachments, so IT security and ethics & compliance have a chance to earn their keep.
11. Sending an email in blind copy (“bcc”) demonstrates your IT literacy and shows your deft hand at office politics. Who doesn’t like the office schemer?
12. Clean your inbox on Saturday morning with short, lazy responses. Make sure the addressees understand, at the very last implicitly, that you expect a response by Sunday morning, so that you need not waste your Sunday afternoon with your family, when you in turn respond. This leaves Monday morning free for a third round of emails, or, if you have had enough, sort the issue in a brief meeting.
13. In short: you are the most important person in your life and your time and convenience should therefore be all that matters to the rest of the
world. Let your emails be a testament to this!